There is a sure-fire way to ensure Team GB trumps London's record medal haul at Rio 2016: we must convince the IOC to enshrine fashion catwalking as an official Olympic sport.
Why? Well, as the fleeting, fabulous, yet endearingly barmy catwalk interlude at last night's closing ceremony showed, British fashion is odds-on pure gold. Boasting strength in depth from seasoned superstars (Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell) to prodigal up-and-comers (Georgia May Jagger and Jourdan Dunn), our nine-strong supermodel squad showed themselves a match for any nation. Furthermore, their gleaming gold dresses demonstrated how our designers could give anyone, even the French, a Fashion Olympics drubbing too.
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The show began as eight black (naturally, darling) trucks trundled into the Olympic Stadium, each flanked by a gold helmeted, biker-jacketed phalanx of volunteers. To the strains of David Bowie's Fashion (Vangelis is so two weeks ago) these stylish tractors pulled black and white billboards. And then - KA-POW! - the billboards fell away to reveal the gold-clad models. Apart from David Gandy (the only male model represented, in a lurex-sheened Paul Smith suit), all wore sky-high platformed high-heels. Even worse, each faced a high-difficulty synchronised course that ran from their in-tractor podiums, along the red-white-and-blue, athlete-bordered spokes of the Union flag catwalk and then, after a brief breather, on and up onto the stage. It was a challenge they overcame with élan.
Lily Cole (in a leaf-festooned brocade and lace knee-lengther by Erdem), Karen Elson (in a spaghetti-strap split-to-the-thigh stunner by Burberry), Lily Donaldson (in a sequinned, scoop-necked, corseted strumpet gown by Vivienne Westwood) and Georgia May Jagger (in a very chic, flare-skirted gazar dress by Victoria Beckham) all put in faultless walks -8.5s or thereabouts. Partnering David Gandy, Torvill and Dean style, was Jourdan Dunn, who won an extra half point for keeping her 21-feather Stephen Jones headdress effortlessly on, in combination with a refreshingly not-entirely-gold jersey column dress by Jonathan Saunders. Snake-hipped Stella Tennant, a trouser-suit specialist, had absolutely no problem at all with her gold, silver and bronze chain-mail two piece by Christopher Kane (another 8.5).
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All eyes, however, were on Team GB's marquee names - our greats. Moss and Campbell may be in catwalk semi-retirement but both put in classic catwalk displays. Moss poured down the catwalk like vodka onto ice: the only thing missing from that liquid perambulation (in a Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen bias-cut silk-lined show-stopper) was a signature cigarette perched in her pout. From the opposite spoke came Campbell, battling valiantly to rein in her urge to outpace the rest, in a metalwork-bodied, tulle-trained warrior-queen's wedding dress, also by Burton for McQueen.
Had you blinked, or gone to make a cup of tea, you would have missed it, but catwalk fashion's micro-moment in the Olympic spotlight was 18-carat fun, and the stadium crowd whooped thunderously.
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It was a moment styled by Lucinda Chambers, Vogue magazine's fashion director. Speaking from backstage she said: "How did it look? I was terrified something was going to go wrong, I can't tell you." She added: "It's incredible that Britain, such a tiny country, has such a broad range of talent in fashion, and that's what we wanted to show. We're known for bonkers fashion, but what I hope came across is that these designers make beautiful clothes… that people would want to wear." So go on Jacques Rogge: fashion catwalking combines elements of speed-walking, synchronised swimming and rhythm gymnastics, and its elite athletes are higher-maintenance than the stroppiest footballers. And best of all, Britain does it better than anyone else, even the Brazilians.
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